21st Century Parenting: 10 Big Parenting Mistakes You Have Been Making

Last Saturday, I took a break from the hospital and attended Lisa’s family day party! While I was playing with the children, their parents started discussing about parenting tips.

I’m not married yet (hint, hint, Romeo!), but I love children. I disagree with the traditional punishment of children by beating or scolding. In recent years, I’ve also come across young parents who give children mobile tablets or phones at restaurants to keep them quiet. But is this the right thing to do?

I met Uncle Liew at the party. Uncle Liew shared many wise parenting tips with everyone. Among them are tips from Professor Chan’s book and interview on “50 Education Methods from a mother who put 3 sons into Stanford University”, besides bringing in Albert Einstein’s family values, and how Einstein had made parenting mistakes too.

I’ve gathered these 10 parenting mistakes mentioned here, take a look and see which have you committed!

1. Comparing your children with others

The more you compare your children with others, the more confidence they lose. Some of them may hide their talents from you because they’re afraid of being compared to other “cool kids”. 

Dominant children may become arrogant or narcissistic (self-loving) after being compared to others. Some of them might even bully or look down on others. 

On the other hand, children with low self-esteem may become more self-aware of how others look at them. This may lead to them to intentionally expressing themselves, in order to attract attentions of others to determine their self worth. Can you imagine how lonely they would feel?

I feel that comparing our children with others is the most undesirable thing to do. The reality of working world is definitely a competitive scene.

Therefore, dear parents, building up your children’s self confidence and knowing self-worth is very important, as this may affect their personal growth!

These are some common bad examples of comparing our children with others:

• “XX’s son is so good, smarter than his classmates!”
• “No matter what, my children are the cutest”
• “Why does her daughter look so much prettier in this dress?”
• “Why can your brother and sister make it, but not you?”
• “Why are you getting bad grades again? Look at your classmates! They are obedient and smart...their parents don’t have to worry about them!” 

How to not compare your children with others? The examples above are mostly “negative advices”. All you’ll have to do is actually adjust the way you say them, and you may instantly reduce their hurtful feelings! Also, always keep in mind that as you’re teaching your children some lessons, try not to mention about “other children”, and avoid comparing your children with others to encourage or blame them.

2. Using materialism to encourage your children

Have you come across young children getting bored of their favourite toys after 2-3 weeks? Or children who cry out loud when they couldn’t get the new toys they want?

Lisa asked Uncle Liew: “Lemon doesn’t like showers, is it okay for me to get toys to encourage her?”

Using examples from Professor Chan, Uncle Liew said, “you may encourage her by saying, ‘once you’ve showered, you may help mummy to put on make-up.’” If you’ve sons, you may encourage them to do the same thing too, I’m sure they’ll enjoy the process!

Instead of using materialised things to encourage your children, how about something that is interesting and fun to do? It can be a good chance of family intimacy, don’t you think so?

3. Letting your children think that learning is tough

Many parents think that the best way to discipline their children is by strictly adhering to daily schedules, like only allowing children to play after they’ve done their homework.  

I think we as parents should change our mindsets about “playtime”. The concept that “homeworks are as fun as playtime, and vice versa” should be adapted instead.

This is beneficial for your children as they will no longer hate exams. They’ll get to know that exams are not just about academic marks, but the evaluation of their learning progress, and to assess how much more they can improve themselves.

Put down what you’re doing and go out for a walk with your children in the rain. See who's chosen leaf floats the furthest in the river. Ask your children, “why is it raining? Why do we have thunderstorms?” This can bring out the curiosity of your children by answering your questions. 

Your children learn best through what they observe or feel, besides knowing that learning isn’t that tough after all. Often, our children can’t understand the need to study difficult subjects at school, like mathematics or history. If your children understand the theories behind what’s happening around them, educations becomes much more meaningful for you and your children.

Children who love to ask questions smart children! The best example for us is Einstein himself; he may not call himself smart, but he had more curiosity towards the world than others, and he was determined to find answers to his questions.

4. Making decisions on behalf of your children

As your children grow up, they would have to face many challenges in making choices, or decisions. Thus, learning how to make decisions, as well as understanding how to face the consequences of their choices is an important life skill to learn. Most academic education don’t cover this learning process.

As parents, we can encourage and guide children in making decisions on their own. In the cases of making wrong choices, children can learn to be responsible of their decisions and learn from their mistakes - so that they can make better decisions for themselves in future.

These lessons can be as simple as getting an ice cream. Let your children choose what flavours they want and make the payment themselves. If they turn out to have chosen the wrong flavour for the attractive colours, they learn how to make wiser choices in the future.

Here are some simple practices to train your child's decision-making skills - not taught in school!

• distinguishing between advantages and disadvantages
• distinguishing between what's good and what's bad
• distinguishing between wants and needs

Your children would also learn to be assertive, to see in a wider perspective, and to have their own set of thoughts and principles. In other words, they won't be blind followers in life.

I have a colleague whose child seldom leaves home. So I asked Uncle Liew too, "what about children who hardly leave home? Would they learn less?"

Drawing a chess analogy, Uncle Liew said, "you can try playing different chess games with your children! In chess, your children can practise decision making kills, thinking in wider perspectives, and also patience. You wouldn't have to go outdoors and you don't require many people for this practice too!"

Well, I've never thought of that! Have you?

5. Sending your children to tuition classes just for higher academic marks

Sending your children for tuition classes just to improve their academic marks can create an assumption that "education is all about good grades", unless they are interested in doing so self-initiatively like in point #4 (developing and interest to learn more than what's taught in classrooms).

If your children have done their best in schools, wouldn't pushing them to tuition classes seem a painful way of learning? With the time and money spent in tuition classes, you could experience outdoor learning with your children in a whole new dimension!

For example, rather than giving your marine-loving child Encyclopaedias or pictographics, why not bring them to aquariums or natural rivers? Why not bring your architect-to-be's sightseeing and accompany them throughout the learning process?

6. Stopping highschool puppy loves

Son and daughters alike, they always seem to hide their high school love stories! 

Our first loves taught us about insecurity, and how to love others. As parents, you don’t have to always agree with their relationships. 

However, instead of stopping them from exploring their feelings, how about teaching them the responsibilities of loving someone, and having someone to love. And of course, to learn not to make babies before they’re due!

We shouldn’t forget about the importance of appropriate sex education, too. But since sex ed can be a whole large topic on its own, let’s look at it next time, shall we? 

Even adults may fail at relationships. It’s not something that can be mastered in a day. However, the daily communication, intimacy and loving expressions between you and your partner set the best example for your children. A happy family for your children starts from loving parents!

7. Physically hitting your children

Physical hitting is quick. Once the cane hits the skin, our children say "never again".
It's quick, it's effective. But does it really work?
Have your children really understood?

Do we want our children to surrender, or to understand? Explaining and reasoning could reap us more benefits than instilling fear.

But remember to not reason with them when they are crying or emotional. Wait till they're calm before speaking to them, an emotionally stable child listens best!

8. Lying to your children

As parents, you should never try to lie to your children!

If you’ve promised to bring your children to Wonderland this weekend, no matter how tired you are, try to keep your promises, or your children might think that you lied.

If your children can’t trust their parents, they might feel lonely and miserable in life.

9. Ignoring your children when you're busy

When your children ask you questions, please don’t brush them aside or ignore them.

Even when you children come running to you excitedly while you’re busy cooking, asking, “Mummy, why is the sky blue?” Turn the cooking gas off and answer, “you’ve asked a good question! Hold on yea, let me finish cooking and I’ll find out the answers together with you!”

Many adults have forgotten to stay curious in life, more so in this digital world where everything is ready-made with the latest technology. We should appreciate and respect the curiosity among young children who wish to explore and discover more in life!

Instead of buying rewards with money, spend some time with your children to learn and grow together, so that they can grow up happily!

10. Forgetting to make time for your children

Many of us who work full-time may have unintentionally neglected our children. It is indeed tiring after a long day at work, and you do not have much energy left to chat with your children or tell a bedtime story. 

However, did you know that spending just 2 minutes with your children daily could make a lot of difference? Spend some time every night to play little games your children enjoy dearly, and they could remember these warm little childhood memories as they grow up. 

Einstein regretted this mistake he made. He spent all his time doing scientific research, and he was hardly with his children as they grew up. He made choices, but to his interest, researches were his priority. 

He had a divorce with his first wife, Mileva Marić in 1919. One of his son had schizophrenia, while the other was only willing to see Einstein by his dying bed. In the end, Einstein sacrificed his time at work and neglected his children. 

Uncle Liew said a few words at the end, which have stuck on my mind until today. “Einstein is no doubt a great ambassador of human wisdom, yet he failed in good parenting. All children should continue to have his curiosity in life to acquire knowledge, while parents should learn from Einstein’s neglectance of his children for work.”

Parenting education is like giving our children useful tools to build their dreams. If they fail, stay by their side and give your best support, grow with them, and never give up on them. Here’s to all parents of the 21st century! 

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